Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people whp represent our future plans.
Therefore a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are being RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside our company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employees follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a a benefit plan, any employee who has HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on the job that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The compamy takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive; we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If an employees feels that he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.